And no, not only in the ‘both avo and relationships are ridiculously expensive’ way. That’s why when someone else (most likely your sibling) came home craving a healthy, calorie-dense snack – POOF your avocado was gone forever. Also, this avo’s flesh is covered in weird specks of grey. You trawled the aisle of Coles for weeks and you finally found what you were looking for. Avo and dating in your twenties are the EXACT SAME IN EVERY SINGLE SCENARIO EVER. You flirted with the idea of incorporating avo into your lunch (in earshot of the avocado, which caused it to hold a glimmer of hope, you cruel wench), but then you went and had a chia pudding instead. It’s sad really, because your wanky chia pudding wasn’t as satisfying as you thought it would be and you really wish you followed through on your promise to the avocado, but now someone else is enjoying your avo’s company, and you are sad and alone. This grey Ewok business is not what you had envisaged AT ALL. And let’s all be honest here, you knew Guac was trouble from the get-go. The final straw is when guacamole cheats on you on New Years Eve (confession: we may or may not be getting slightly personal here). Prepare your lady/man brains to be obliterated, and to crown me as your Holy Leader forevermore. Big effing mistake, because your avo was hard and totally unresponsive to your efforts. You try to make it work, and you try to remove the grey areas and slowly stop dressing like an Ewok, but its weirdness runs so deeply there’s just no saving it. You love the taste of it, but Guac keeps leading you to eat sour cream and cheese and nacho chips (which are unhealthy AF). You then realise that you only went to guacamole because you felt bad about yourself and you found comfort in SORRY its* salty smooth embrace. You’re constantly hearing people talk about how good avocados are. Here are the six similarities between avocado and dating in your twenties: 1. You knew it in your soul that when you cut into that avocado it wasn’t ready. Even after feeling the hard exterior of its shell you decided to go for it anyway. And don’t even try to talk your way out of this one because you KNEW that the avocado wasn’t ready, dude. You were too scared to commit to the avo and now you’ve left it too late. The Ewok fetish and gross grey specks are parts of the avo. Sometimes you miss eating guacamole, but not really because Guac was really just an asshat. Your friends are all avocado-crazy, and you just don’t get it. You have no idea what all the fuss is about, and why people are willing to spend so much time and money on this weird, pretty-much-tasteless food.
No matter the situation, the blame for every relationship issue falls to you.
So really you only have yourself to blame for it not working. It was sitting there on your benchtop, being pretty and soft and vulnerable and all it wanted was to be yours. Shame on you for trying to remove the avo’s imperfections. That’s okay, it’s something you’ll probably grow to want in a few years’ time, and if you don’t that’s totally cool, some people will never want an avo, that’s A-OK!
You freaked the unready avo out, and now it’s going to make you pay for it by being a watery, unmashable mess. Just because this avo is wrong for you, doesn’t give you the right to change it.
You could have plans to meet, be standing out in the cold and rain waiting for two hours and it is somehow you who misunderstood their needs. The One Who Won't Be Hated I once dated a guy who was obsessed with over-explaining his actions.
Everything they say and do is designed to make you feel insecure and fearful that they might leave you, so you are constantly apologizing and feeling like you are in the wrong. My friends called him "disclaimer guy" because he did sweet things like surprising me at the airport with flowers while simultaneously telling me that these weren't grand gestures -- just the mark of a nice guy.